Secrets and Lies
by xfreelifex
Summary: Carter. Abby. Luka. A pregnancy. Season ten will never be the same...
1. The Beginning

**A/N: **Last time I checked, I owned nothing...I better check again!

**A/N:** None of you, except for two very important people, know how much time, work, and effort went into this piece to make it possible. For all of the late night chats, the revisions, and the timelines, I'm pleased to say we finally have a finished project! So **Bel Vezer**...You are, as you say, the sperm for this story. Thanks for all the work you put in, and for your brilliant idea! And **Pandorama**, my lovely beta, thanks for jumping in like you did. I hope you enjoy the ride!

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It's one of those things that she could never understand. It's that feeling one gets when they know someone has just entered the room, but they're too out of it to have it register at first. It takes awhile, but then they feel their reality separate from their dreams, and they come to terms with it.

At first, she thought it was the rain. It was the first thing she heard as her ears began preparing themselves for the reality that was about to find them. It danced for her on the window, its pizzicato kissing the damp sill. Slowly, she felt herself regaining consciousness. It was then that she became aware of the heavy weight at the end of her bed.

Was that…_Carter?_

"Hi," he whispered.

She blinked several times, thinking that maybe this was still a dream. Shock clouded her mind, though the occasional _how,_ _why, _and _when?_ sometimes broke through. She was shocked into silence. Her mouth felt paralyzed. She couldn't think…_Say something!_

"Hi," she whispered back. She then realized how naked she felt, which was odd, since she usually wouldn't have minded around Carter. But somehow…now…it just felt…improper…indecent. Abby pulled herself into a more dignified position and Carter shifted his position on the bed as she squirmed.

_What am I supposed to say to him? _Her insides were waging their own war while the clouds still covered her mind. Half of her wanted to scream and throw things at him, but the other half was too afraid to speak. Abby wasn't sure she trusted her own voice.

"When did you get back?" _Innocent enough._

"Just now," he answered, not missing a beat.

She surveyed him closely through tired eyes. He looked as tired as she felt. Judging by his red eyes, Abby had no choice but to take him at his word. She supposed that was a good thing, it meant he was at least _thinking_ about her, right? Somehow she just couldn't convince herself of that - that it was a good thing, or that he was thinking about her.

Unless he thought of it as his duty. They were, after all, a couple, together, though by which dictionary's definition, Abby wasn't quite sure. She was pretty sure the feelings of betrayal and hurt she felt now were not included in the standard package.

She became uncomfortably aware of her silence again. Carter was looking at her expectantly, waiting like the gentleman he wasn't for her to make the first move. "It's 5:30 in the morning," Abby said testily. She wasn't pleased with his act. Far from winning her over, it was only making her more nervous, more uncertain. She didn't want him to act like he was so sweet, like he hadn't been a jerk for leaving her. She didn't want him to act like he was begging forgiveness. She didn't want him to say he knew what he had done was wrong, because they were useless words, empty words, coming from him. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear, what he thought would win her smile…Abby became aware of the silence again.

To buy herself time, she reached into her nightstand drawer and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She didn't want the cigarette, she only wanted the excuse.

Although he was standing in her bedroom, there might as well have been an ocean still between them. Carter wanted her to take the lead on this one. He needed her to make the first move. Abby twirled the cigarette in her fingers, cursing her desire for the terrible addiction.

"My flight from London was delayed."

Carter had spoken again, had noticed the awkward silence and was now trying to be bold and step forward. Abby still couldn't say anything. Time seemed to be passing at half the normal rate. She wished he would just leave.

What was she supposed to say anyway? How could he even think it could be that simple, that his mere presence would bend her, as though she were his creation to mold. He came there expecting to find that nothing had changed, or that she could drop everything and fall back into his arms, into his poisonous love. Abby felt the beginnings of anger fight their way to the back of her throat.

How she wished she could open her mouth and scream at him! How she wanted to yell at him, make him feel the way she felt, make him see what had really happened. Abby wanted to scream at him until her lungs could scream no more, she wanted to make him understand.

But she knew, deep down, that would never happen. For all she wanted to say, she knew it would be only lost in translation, from her mouth to him. It would be twisted, distorted, to where it would be no longer recognizable. Carter would never understand. He could never understand.

And so, she had nothing to say. She just wanted him to leave.

"I missed you."

Abby wondered if he meant her or the sex.

_I missed you…_That was Carter's desperate way of trying to get her to respond, to play his game. He wanted to win her over, to take her back. He was trying to appeal to her compassion, since he had nothing left to appeal to. Abby almost laughed. She could see right through his façade.

"Did you just let yourself in?"

Carter was taken aback. He just blinked. He hesitated; Abby could see he was catching onto her anger. She felt secretly pleased by throwing him off guard. _That's right,_ she thought, _I'm not playing games._

"I'm sorry about how I left," he offered.

_Are you?_ Abby wondered. She felt anger flare inside of her. How dare he apologize! She knew it seemed irrational to not accept his apology, but she couldn't stand it. She couldn't stand how he could flounce into her room at this indecent hour and apologize, as though he were the good guy. An apology made him seem kinder, more compassionate, which was ironic, since what he was apologizing for was an action that defined him as just the opposite.

"Can I have my key back, please?"

It was cold and she knew it, but he had hurt her more than he knew.

He was still sitting there in stunned, hurt silence. Abby ignored this and lit the cigarette, looking away from him with an almost inhumane frigidity. Carter finally got the idea and reached slowly into his pocket, extracting the key. He held it out for her to see, shaking it slightly. Abby gave a slight nod in recognition and then averted her gaze.

Abby felt the weight lift from her bed as Carter stood up. He walked quickly to the door, throwing the key onto the table as he went. Abby heard the door slam just as the first tear slipped down her cheek. She slumped back against her pillows again, listening to the rain outside. It was early, but Abby was too angry to go back to sleep. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up. She shivered as the cold apartment air wrapped its icy fingers around her skin. She scampered into her closet, pulling a robe over her bare shoulders. Abby bit her lip and wondered what to do next.


	2. The Hypocrite

**A/N:** Don't sue. I don't own anything.

**A/N:** Thanks for the great response for the first chapter! Again, a special thanks to my wonderful beta reader **Pandorama**, and to **Bel Vezer** for letting me steal...I mean _borrow_ her alpha.

* * *

Work was hard enough. Between the heavy traumas and the tasteless jokes of some of her coworkers, the day was already bad. It was torturous, really, working in such close proximity with one whom she wouldn't have minded putting a mile, maybe two for good measure.

Susan was properly shocked at Carter's return and decently sympathetic at the fact Abby had no idea what to do. What made her less pleased with Susan's reaction was that her best friend wanted her to make up with Carter quickly. She would have been more than content to never say another word to the idiot.

Maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe she wasn't giving him enough of a chance to explain, if there was even anything more that could be said. Maybe she should talk to him; they could work it out like adults, instead of playing this stupid game. Half of her wanted to be completely irrational and irritable, and the other half wanted to take Susan's advice and actually talk to him.

She was still embattled in silent debate when she sensed Carter's presence behind her. She was standing at the admit desk, browsing through charts; he was doing the same. They purposely missed each others' gaze.

Across from her, Susan gave her a look. It was one of those looks that was really a nudge, a _go for it! _Or maybe it was a _let's go already!_ Abby couldn't tell. Before she had made up her mind, Carter had begun to walk away.  
Abby followed him. He suddenly turned around and almost ran right into her.

"Hey."

"Hey," she answered quickly.

"Do you want to get a cup of coffee?" he asked hesitantly.

"Okay."

She didn't think it could get any more awkward, but as always, he proved her wrong. The tension between them was even thicker than it had been in the trauma room. Carter was probably waiting for her to make the first move.  
But Susan's words kept ringing in her head. He _had_ come right from her apartment from the airport, and although she was angry at him, maybe she should at least give him a chance to explain.

They were walking back from the Roach Coach when her resolve broke. "So how was it?"

There was a pause

"It was incredible," he said softly. Abby didn't say anything. She felt her heart sink, past its usual spot between her ribs, settling somewhere by her navel. "And it was terrible." She frowned. Carter tried to explain. "It was, um, it was kids with polio, it was kids dying from malnutrition, and malaria and whooping cough…" His voice trailed off and he looked at her. "And it was beautiful. The country's beautiful."

Abby didn't know what to say. His tone…there was just something so…wrong about it. He sounded too much like a hero. Like he wanted the recognition for being able to help people in some godforsaken country, instead of feeling the joy in really doing some good.

Maybe that was the difference. They both helped people, they both worked at the hospital. There was no denying that Carter enjoyed helping people, but she could not understand why the hell he had to do it in Africa. He needed to feel like he was really doing something, when if he just opened his eyes, he could realize he was doing the same thing right here.

She couldn't help but wonder why he'd even gone. He _knew_ that she didn't want him to go. He had promised her that he wouldn't leave. And yet, that's exactly what he had done. Out the door, not a single goodbye, or last kiss, or anything…just…gone. Abandoned. The word echoed cruelly in her head.

He sensed her tension, her disconnect from the conversation. He tried again. "The hospital doesn't have enough staff, so the patients' family members stay with them. They cook for them and clean for them. They change the sheets."

Abby didn't know what to say. There was nothing she could say to that. He was digging himself a hole.

"It was a life changing experience," he finally said. "I just don't know how yet."

_I do._

She had to switch tracks. She couldn't keep going on this one; it was only making her angrier. "Where's Luka?"

Carter kept walking and then asked angrily, "Is that was this is about?"

Her eyes narrowed. "No."

He seemed to accept that for an answer. "Luka's fine." Carter gave a twisted smile. "He's more than fine."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," he said noncommittally.

"Nothing," Abby repeated. She knew that the conversation was going nowhere. "You know we don't talk?"

Carter just looked at her, taken aback. "We're not talking now?"

Typical Carter. The superficial was enough for him. Talking to him was about having words come out of his mouth, having her listen.To him, talking was just words. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Your mouth is moving, you give the impression like we're having a real conversation…but when you finish, I have no idea what you're thinking." Abby fumbled to explain.

It was either futile, or frustrating, or both. She didn't know how to convey it to him. It was like explaining to a blind person what the sky looked like. It was something one either understood, or didn't. Carter was apparently one of those who didn't.

"I was trying to tell you about Africa," he offered tentatively.

How right he was, and yet so, so wrong. It wasn't even about Africa anymore. She didn't care to listen to him recount any more tales in that falsely heroic voice, like he was superman, here to save the world.

Her temper was beginning to get the better of her again. She was already angry from the encounter at the ungodly hour in the morning, and now she had to put up with more of his crap. It was utterly unbearable.

"I don't know. You knew I didn't want you to go, but you went anyway. Were you _trying_ to hurt me?"

Carter sighed loudly, not even halfway attempting to conceal his anger. "Why would I want to hurt you?"

That was a good question, she could give him that. Why _would _he want to hurt her? Perhaps he didn't. Perhaps that was the saddest thing. He'd hurt her without even trying.

"I-I don't know, I don't know! Why would you want to hurt me?"

"It wasn't about you," Carter tried defensively.

_How could it not be? _They were supposed to be _together_, however society defined that term as these days. They were supposed to be able to trust each other. He was supposed to at least _tell_ her when he was making important decisions like these. He could have been killed, and she wouldn't even have known. His goodbye might as well have been a postcard.

"Oh, come on! You weren't even going to tell me you were going! If I hadn't bumped into you when you were leaving, I wouldn't have even known!"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you."

He'd said it once, and she hadn't believed him then. She didn't believe it any more the second time. Half of her wanted to tear him to pieces right there. The other half simply wanted to walk away and never think of him or Africa or any of it again. Her thoughts tangled inside her as the blaring sirens and bustle of the ambulance bay filled in the dead air.

Carter seemed to conclude the worst from her silence. "I wanted to feel like I was really doing something!"

How could someone so intelligent say exactly the wrong thing?

"Did you even think about me?" she spat.

"Yes!" Carter answered quickly. Too quickly.

"Okay. What did you think?"

The question wasn't meant to be hard, and it wasn't meant to be a trick question. He wasn't supposed to be stunned into silence. He was supposed to answer her. He was supposed to know the answer. It should have been right off the top of his head. It would have been if their relationship was still alive. His hesitation said more than his words ever would.

"What did you think?" Abby insisted. Carter only blinked at her. It was enough. He had lied. He hadn't thought about her at all. "I don't know why you bothered to come back."

He couldn't even answer her. That was the worst blow he had dealt her so far, and he hadn't even been back or a day yet. He could have said anything, _anything_, and it would have been better than his silence. He could have _lied_ and it would have sounded better. Even an immature Carter who said he thought of nothing except the sex would be better than this stunned, hopeless, clueless Carter. She was sick of trying to tell him where to find the clue. He would just have to muddle through it himself, or end the pain.

"Oh, so you're just going to walk away?"

"Yeah," she answered simply.

"Okay, walk away, Abby. That's what you do best!" Carter called after her, anger pulsing through his voice.

Abby whipped around and strode back to him furiously. "Okay," she began breathlessly. "You want to know what you do best? You make this all about my problems, but you know what? You have some really big problems too!"

Carter raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her. She struggled not to blush.

"You have some _really big problems_!" she insisted.

Carter only stared at her. Abby cringed.

Her point was lost in the lame attempt at a comeback, as anger clouded her usually sharp mind. Words failed her, and at the worst of times. Even so, anger still coursed through her at twice its usual rate. How _dare_ he.

It gave a whole new meaning to the word _hypocrite_.


End file.
